JUST ONE THING
Linda's Personal Story

I was like a junkie.  Complete with all the shame, guilt and desperation.  I had no idea how I got to this place.  Desperately searching for money, yet knowing that I had exhausted every source available to me – I had already borrowed too much from my parents, my friends, even my 18 year old nieces…  My 401K account was gone and my checking account was negative – again.  And the worst part?  I wasn’t desperate for money to buy drugs or alcohol for myself – I needed it to buy food for my four young children.  I had hit rock bottom and knew that the survival of my family depended on a major shift in my thoughts AND my actions.

This story is even more incredulous when I tell you that I was a successful airline pilot for 23 years and that I was making a six figure income when everything started to fall apart.  I was happily married, living in a beautiful house in my dream neighborhood, surrounded by Doctors and lawyers – My oldest was 9 and the baby was just two when their Dad and I started having problems.  The airline pilot lifestyle was wearing on him – Looking back I don’t blame him…  I was gone alot and I missed the kids terribly.  When I would come home from a 4 day trip, I couldn’t get enough of them and understandably, he felt alone and neglected.  Not so understandably, he found comfort in the friendship of a co-worker and that friendship eventually developed into something much more.  Long story short, I didn’t want my children to endure a painful divorce, so I accepted his apology and tried to resume as normal a life as possible after the affair.  To make matters worse, at about this time I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and underwent two surgeries in a short period of time – during my recovery, it became apparent that the two of them were back together and enough was enough.  I asked him to leave and the grieving process began.  For some bizarre reason, I was overcome with guilt, and did everything I could to make the separation as painless as possible – for him and for my children.  I took a huge chunk out of my 401K account and pre-paid a comfortable apartment for him for 6 months.  I accepted less that I was legally entitled to for child support, so that he would have money left over to live on.  We had to sell our beautiful house at a loss and again, I took out more 401K money  to cover the shortfall.  I was on autopilot and thought that I had an endless supply of money available and that I could continue to live life as I was accustomed.  Unfortunately, I was sadly mistaken about that.  Being an airline pilot in the post 911 days was a challenge, to say the least.  I was working 22 days a month and making  55% less money than before the attacks.   And most importantly, for the first time, I was afraid of flying.  I hated to leave my children because I was afraid that I wouldn’t come back.  It was a terrible feeling and so when I was offered a position as a pilot for Mercy Flight, I accepted immediately, thinking the peace of mind would more than make up for the difference in pay.

Well, actually I was mistaken about that as well!  Yes, the first few months were a slice of Heaven because I was now a newly single Mother and I was actually able to be home with my children to BE a Mother.  That was awesome.  But slowly the stresses that are inevitable to single parenting started to take over.  Money became a huge issue.  I became very unhappy with our living arrangements – the apartment complex was a hang out for teenagers and they were starting to harass my young kids.   I began to get angry about the concessions I gave regarding child support.  I knew I had to find a second and maybe even a third job, but where?  And how?  The point of me leaving the airline was so I could be with my children.  This wasn’t in the plan…  My credit rating had hit rock bottom because my ex husband wasn’t paying his college loans that were unfortunately in my name.  I couldn’t get credit to buy a car  and a house was absolutely out of the question.  And so I kept  borrowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole until one day I woke up furious and broke, feeling like that junkie desperately looking for cash.  That’s when I knew I had to make a change.  And I started by being thankful that I was at the bottom and the motion had stopped.    I knew I had to prioritize what was wrong with my life and I started with my finances. 

It took what seemed like forever, but I was finally able to create a budget and get control of my spending.  I went back to school to become a certified life coach, then got advanced training in the single parent/teen relationship…   I worked two jobs while I launched my coaching business and worked tirelessly on improving my credit until I became the extremely proud owner of a wonderful house just outside my previous neighborhood with all the Doctors and Lawyers.  My kids were thrilled because they were back with their friends and I was thrilled because I came back to the “hood” a strong, independent woman. 

My own experience has taught me the importance of taking life after a divorce one step at a time.  Each challenge needs to be dealt with in order of priority before you tackle the next issue.  My post divorce journey has been a very long five years and during that time I relied on anyone and everyone who cared  enough to lend a hand when I asked for help.   The good news is that a lot of people cared.  The bad news is that I asked for help a lot.  And I didn’t learn the importance of becoming self sufficient until it was almost too late. Don’t let the same thing happen to you.  Yes, we all need time to grieve and vent-  and we have to start re-building our lives slowly.  But too many women wander in the desert far longer than necessary and eventually give up on ever finding the promised land.  They take on the role of victim and complain about their sad tale of woe and injustice to anyone who will listen.  Trouble is, people stop listening after a while.  They also stop giving you money and they stop helping out with the kids.  Then what?  The only one left is you.  And I want to suggest that you are all you need.

When I had 4 kids under the age of 7, I learned a little trick to keep me sane when I couldn’t find the floor because of all the toys and cheerio’s and dirty socks.  If I just picked up one thing, just ONE stuffed animal, or ONE shoe, and I put that one thing away where it belonged, then I was making progress.  If I went through the whole room with that philosophy of JUST ONE THING,  then before I knew it, the floor was bare, the room was clean  and life was good.   If you don’t know where to start and it seems impossible for you to ever live the life of your dreams, start with JUST ONE THING.  Before you know it, you will be making progress, your mess will be gone and yes, life will be good!